previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
bring them to the Hulk.
I know.
You don't know, Mademoiselle.
Oh God.
You will hear conversations of, like, large battles happening in Bahamut's name.
Are any of those battles, like, that they're talking about, like, recognizable?
A battle that sounds reminiscent to you, that it was relatively close to the point
when portals started to open.
As we walk up, Sully looks to his left and sees, uh, take a number ticket dispenser.
All right.
And he pulls out a number from it and it's number like, I don't know, 4 billion 175.
You see out in the, in the sky, uh, a number illuminated and it says number 75.
Oh my god.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, He-Him, also with me today is Tom Laird.
Russ, I hit record after you started talking, so good luck syncing this up.
Uh, He-Him and I am playing Moot, I think, who also goes by He-Him.
And Amy More.
Yep, she, her, and I will be playing Sullivan Slyte, He-Him.
And Carla Maxted.
She, her, I also hit record just slightly after you started speaking.
So Tom and I might sync up, but you guys, it's going to be way, way off.
You're welcome.
I'll be playing Glim, also she, her.
Hey, Kristen Flemmons.
She, her.
I think I hit it like a millisecond before you started talking.
Um, TBD, playing a geth, also she, her.
I mean, I did say I'm hitting record, we should all hit record, then we talked.
You didn't say that second part, you said, I'm hitting record and then you hit record
on the Zoom.
So I was like, oh, he just meant on the Zoom, and then he said, and then we can
keep, that doesn't mean we have to stop talking about blah, blah, blah.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
I did say the second part to that.
Actually, we can check the recording back.
I was going to say, it's so good that, uh, Kristen's here.
For many reasons, one, because it's just one more episode in her regular cast
member role, but also, uh, I feel like now Russ can't act like we're trying to
gaslight him because she's so agreeing with us.
They do a lot.
Neutral third-potty.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I think I just said third-potty.
Third-potty.
A goth's got this different accent going on now.
I love it.
Me too.
About to meet Bahamas.
She's just trying something new.
You know, we should tell him, be like, oh, I think I've heard of you.
Because that's a great thing to say to famous people.
Name kind of rings a bell.
Yeah.
Bahamas being played by Patrick Rothfuss, obviously.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
And also, no.
It wouldn't be.
I don't think I could stay on a call with him.
Russ, add him to the Zoom call.
Add him to the Zoom call.
And now our special guest, Patrick Rothfuss.
We're being good casting, though, right?
Like, the beard, like, the look is pretty good.
Yeah.
And that's awesome.
Yeah.
But mellow vibe.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
Has a lot of wisdom.
But it's just here to have a good time.
But just, like, a really cool guy.
Well, too bad that's not going to happen.
Pat, call us.
Well, it's because you didn't return my phone calls, Patrick Rothfuss.
I didn't call you.
You know, for the future, when he's listening, obviously.
Obviously.
Wait a minute.
Uh, when we — when he's listening, obviously.
Obviously.
Wait a second, checks his caller ID that scrolls back several years.
Yeah.
When you are a patron, we call you, and our gook hangs, and in the Discord, all
the time.
It happens.
Trust me.
Come join us at When you are a patron, we call you, and our gook hangs, and
in the Discord, all the time.
It happens.
Trust me.
Thanks, Fenir, the ale hound.
Fenir, the ale hound.
Oh, that's good.
I love it.
That's a great username.
Fenir.
It is very good.
Ale hound is, it sounds so classy.
It does.
Thanks, Fenir.
And now, after you've joined us,
and see how many times we call you.
So many.
So many, actually.
Also, we're gonna apologize in advance.
For how many times we call you.
It's gonna be borderline stalking.
Yeah.
That's on us.
Anyways.
Fuck it, let's play.
You're looking up at the number in the sky
that previously said seven.
Kink, kink, kink.
And it ticks over to eight.
So do we gotta just like wait here for him?
Wait, am I in this group?
Yes.
You're saying in this group.
How did I get here?
Portals, I don't know.
Any idea, Glim,
how long this is gonna take?
I mean, I don't know.
Bahamaniacs, we don't really do the,
we want people to feel welcome.
We don't do the number thing.
And also, time's a little bit of the essence.
I know it's Bahamet, and I don't wanna be rude.
But also, we do need to save the world.
Well, yeah, hold on a second.
Maybe this is just a joke, right?
He's like literally, little, little, little.
He's right there.
He's like right over there.
And there's no line, and I look around,
and there's nobody there, is there?
Where is number eight?
I mean, it doesn't look like there's an eight.
No, and when it switched from seven to eight,
nobody left.
Maybe it's prayers.
And he's dealing, like in his psyche,
with people down on Torrio.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I feel really bad.
Not just a pretty face, huh?
I feel really bad interrupting him and stuff,
if he's like astro-projecting and stuff.
Yeah, but also, I feel like he must,
I feel bad, because I've taken up a lot,
guys, I mean, a lot of his time,
if what he's doing, if when I'm praying
and communing with Bahamet, he's up here,
and he's actually has to, because we're talking.
In real time.
Yeah, because you know.
Wait, could you try doing that right now?
Oh, and like see if it like.
Yeah, maybe that'll like cut through the number system.
Okay, I mean, this is a little embarrassing,
I bet you guys are gonna be totally surprised,
but I actually, when I'm working out,
actually really commune with him a lot, so.
That does not surprise me much.
No, I hear you, you sometimes do it out loud.
So I'm doing some push-ups now,
and I'm really like concentrating,
and they're cool push-ups,
like you know, like one hand, and then like clap once.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
One hand behind your back.
Suddenly goes and sits on one of your shoulders,
and you just keep going, yeah.
And kind of like those ones I keep seeing on the internet
that I don't understand,
where someone just lifts up their whole body,
like no feet touching the ground,
just like a plank, but they lift themselves.
Anyway, Glim's doing that.
Then do they lower themselves, is that a thing?
Is that a dog that you saw doing that?
Cause I've seen that video.
Anyway, the number is changing,
cause I am really communing hard.
I'm curious about like the fitness TikToks
that Carla's falling into right now.
Yeah, I don't know how I'm seeing this,
but I've seen a few of them.
I'm not on TikTok.
By the way.
But I've seen a number of them.
One of kids like on a desk,
maybe they're just tricks and I'm old and dumb.
This is 100% possible,
but there's one where a kid's on a desk,
and he like, yeah, like lifts himself up,
and then just, just on his arms.
So the number isn't changing,
but everybody else you see as Glim
is just really crushing it on all of these,
all these hard workouts.
Baham like stretches, gets up out of the hammock.
And there's like cracks all throughout.
It, it looks, it sounds awful,
but it looks like it feels really good.
It probably feels so good.
Yep.
He stands up and kind of looks over
and scratches his back,
slowly walks across,
kind of pokes the fire a little bit
as Glim is still like going hardcore,
and makes his way over.
He's just standing watching.
I'm crisscross applesauce on Glim's back
at this moment, I think.
So is it, is it changing?
Is the, is the number changing?
I'm really, I'm like really trying to talk to him
so hard, you guys.
The number is not changing.
How?
But I mean, like, he's like watching you and stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh God, what, what?
And I like flip over and,
oh God, I'm sorry, Sully, I just,
okay, okay, okay, okay.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
You're fine.
Okay, I'm just gonna sit down.
Okay.
Everything's fine.
I'm all right.
Everything's, I'm okay.
Yeah, no, you're doing a great job.
You're really, all right, yeah.
Okay.
Hi, Glim.
Hi.
Oh, hey, I didn't see you there.
Good to see you.
How are you?
Oh, oh, I was just, just having a nap over there.
I put up my do not disturb numbers and.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cause there's some,
there's some real like go get them,
go get them attitudes that come up here.
And you just gotta just really cut through that.
When they see a big number,
they get confused and they walk back down
and spend money at the gift shop.
Oh yeah, I think we saw some of those bros down there.
Yeah, we did see.
It was a trick.
It's a good trick.
It's a really, really good trick.
Now, how many people come up here
and then like manically do pushups
until you notice them?
Oh, oh, oh, this is a first.
Oh.
Glim, did you do that?
Oh, wow.
Who even knows how old I am?
No one has come up here to my hut
and done pushups right outside as I was having a nap.
Cool.
Was it the grunting that woke you up or?
Yeah, yeah.
It was like, what's happening?
Somebody hurt?
Or the clapping.
Yeah, the clapping too.
That was, I mean, that was good.
It's good, good, good like upper body strength there.
Okay, so. Hi.
Hi, hi.
Okay, so Moot was supposed to do this,
but maybe I'll just go and like Moot maybe stop me
if I get a little bit too crazy, but.
Sure, yeah.
You know how I like have a destiny to save the world
and like these guys are also part of that destiny
and that needs to happen now.
Okay, well let's go get a drink and we'll talk about it
and then we'll, you know, see what we can do, right?
Gives a goth a look and like a little bump
on the shoulder, you get it, let's go.
He starts walking down.
Punch him back on the shoulder.
All right, come on, keep up.
He doesn't seem very concerned about that.
What do you think he likes to drink?
Coconut water.
Oh.
Yep, that tracks.
I think you're right, I think you're probably right.
Do you think he's not really worried about it
because it's actually not like happening very soon,
although we know it is?
Or is it just that he's so old
and not like in an old guy kind of way,
but just like nothing seems urgent anymore
because it's all been done
and he's like a billion years old.
I feel like these things could be combined.
Yeah.
Come on everybody, keep up.
Me and Bahamut are buying first round.
Should she be catching his ass like that?
Real firm and supple.
I mean, if he says it's fine, then I guess it's a he's
and, you know, they're both consenting, so.
We cut ahead to the most devout bar and grill.
You're all seated just along the bar,
all facing the same way.
Really, he doesn't have his own VIP table?
No, he's of the people.
All right, I like them.
That's what got you.
You're like, I wasn't really sure about this bottom-end guy, but...
He was kind of wishy-washy on him, but like...
He sits at the bench, you know? He's a bankruptcy kind of guy.
He can get on for it.
It takes a minute to kind of get to that position,
because everybody swarms him as soon as he comes in.
He's just like, yeah, it's all right. It's all right.
I bestow the power upon you. You're going to be real cool.
Yeah, don't trip, and you'll be fine.
And he makes his way to the bar.
All right.
You tell me what I should order,
and then we'll talk about your end of the world.
Oh, it's not just our end of the world.
Well, everybody has an end of the world.
That's why they come up here.
It's like, ooh, something big's going to happen.
Oh, I mean, I don't want to tell you your business,
but I think I have to tell you your business in that
Celestia and you
and me
are involved in this particular end of the world.
You're going to get kidnapped.
Wait, I do the end of the world?
No, you get kidnapped.
Have you come to kill me?
No, no, no, no, no.
How could you say that?
Oh, Glim, calm down.
Excuse me.
All right, Glim.
First day for pushups outside my abode.
Maybe someone's coming.
You're right. You don't.
You've got a weird vibe about you.
He points to Moot.
He's like, you got something going on here.
It's where his thoughts live.
Well, I mean, there's a lot going on everywhere,
to be fair.
Yeah.
For those playing the home game,
I was just moving my hand around my face and like upper body.
Yeah.
OK, did you hear when they said you're going to get kidnapped?
No.
Yeah, I said that, but then everybody talked over me.
But I think that's important for you to know, you know,
like keep your eyes peeled.
All right.
Keep my head on a swivel.
Keep my eyes peeled.
And then the end of the world's good,
as long as I don't get kidnapped.
No.
Well, no.
All of the gods are kidnapped.
All of the gods are imprisoned.
This is not just our end of the world or yours and Celestia's.
This is all of it.
All the planes.
All the worlds.
Let's do a persuade.
You want me to order?
Oh, no.
And then we'll do a persuasion roll.
Everybody's trying to accomplish the same thing.
So maybe a group persuasion roll.
So I've got a plus 14 in persuasion.
You guys, it's going to be fine.
This is everybody.
I just rolled a one.
No.
But you're a halfling.
So you get to roll it again.
It's fine.
Thank you.
I forgot about that.
It's a nine.
Plus 14, but it could have been so much better.
So I have a plus 10.
So mine's a 29.
Yeah, and I have a 28.
I have a three.
I'm over here just like.
Well, Agoth was the last one talking.
How's your intimidation, Agoth?
Are you threatening?
No, it's actually no better than mine.
Agoth is big, not scary.
Yeah.
I could do some good animal handling.
OK.
End of the world.
Look up.
He waves his hand and then his canaries come down to his shoulders.
They just go, go check it out.
See, make sure that Celestia, he looks at you and nods, is not going to end.
Right?
OK.
They get kidnapped too.
Oh, yeah.
Your boots.
We end up with your boots.
OK.
Go out in pairs.
Buddy system.
Hold each other's wings and then come on back and report.
We watch them awkwardly try to fly away whilst holding on to each other's wings.
OK.
So they're going to go do a little circle and then they'll come back.
And there's a little bug here.
And then we'll just be able to settle this.
Have you ordered yet there, Sully?
Oh, yeah.
So I got you a coconut water and some fire breath whiskey because I wasn't sure.
So I went complete opposite ends of this bedroom.
And then I got some potatoes.
Oh, the potatoes are good.
There's a new franchise that just opened up and there's the kitchen portion.
Potatoes.
Exactly.
The prices seem more reasonable.
I know prices on here.
Is that like a scam?
Oh, no.
It's like market price.
So it's like a scam.
So it's a scam.
Sounds like it's kind of a scam.
Again, there's a lot of people who come up here not wanting the right thing,
saying that there's an end to the war.
I mean, not that you're saying that.
You sent us here to say it.
I sent you nowhere.
I know.
This is...
Who can explain this in a way that won't be emotional?
Because I don't think that's me.
Yeah, you're real mad right now.
But there's like time and kidnapping and all of the world losing magic
and the end of the world and everyone dying and like somebody...
I mean, that's pretty good like broad strokes.
How about you each give it a go?
And we'll just see how it goes.
I'll start.
So there was a time that I met you and you were getting a little older
and we cut ahead and so that's when we're going to fuck.
Why did we let her talk for so long?
We shouldn't have let her go first.
Did I not get the main points?
I mean, no.
You sort of had quite a specific focus, like quite a sexual sort of focus.
Quite aggressive.
But it was not emotional.
It was all business.
That is true.
Yeah, I mean...
You definitely lived up to that aspect.
That is true.
Laughing you wouldn't be tender.
Nope.
I guess I'll give it a bit of a go.
So we're from the future.
Because some shit went down.
There's this really bad dude named Orcus.
No, I'm going to frame this like Glim does.
So there's this really bad dude named Orcus.
And he shows up and starts taking all the gods out of the realm.
And then eventually comes for you.
And y'all get spirited away to like this fancy god jail.
And basically he is the run of the place while you're all gone.
Takes all the life from everywhere in the world.
We fled to the Cat Island.
Mastika?
Yeah, that's the one.
Where the cat god was still there.
So it was still relatively protected.
But of course being the last place in the world that was like that.
It was a beacon for that really, really evil dude Orcus and his forces.
And yeah, they all showed up.
And then we traveled back in time to here.
To prevent that from happening.
With your blessing because you were in the future after we rescued you.
Yeah, yeah, I was going to say we did rescue you.
And then you helped to portal several of us to different places in time
to try to like stop it before it starts.
Yeah.
Okay.
Did I show you the cool fist bump?
Like the one thing that's like Bahamut sent you.
Here's the fist bump to get in the door and prove that the end of the world is out.
Nosa, you had just woken up from like a coma.
Well, that doesn't sound very cool.
Well, I mean, you did look badass in that gown that they put you in.
One of the checkered ones with like the opening at the back.
Yeah, it was definitely open at the back.
Can I pull out my book?
You know, my Bahamut book?
Oh yeah.
I mean, I don't, I feel like if there was like a fist bump, I would definitely know it.
So right, guys, like there's no way someone would know it.
That's crazy.
So I do have this book.
Very cool book.
Familiar.
I've written things in that book, haven't I?
Yeah, so I flip back to the last entry.
God, is this a Don't Meet Your Heroes?
He like doesn't remember writing the book.
He's like, good thing I already met him and the him in the future was great.
That's totally lived up to expectations.
So this is fine.
I can't remember what the last thing in the book was.
Was it something that could actually be helpful here?
There was a Don't Come to Celestia thing.
So we don't follow instructions well.
He looks at your book and pulls out a book that looks the same from his robe.
Oh, it's got a couple entries that don't line up.
Like, because they're in the future?
Like you don't have them in your version yet because you haven't written them yet because we came from the future?
That one there seems kind of like erratic though.
Like it doesn't line up with all my, I practice calligraphy so that the message is clear.
You do have very nice penmanship.
And artistic, so that if it's sold on the open market later, like there's some value to it.
It's not like somebody just scratched it and is like Bahamut wrote this.
I realize Bahamut was such a capitalist.
I know, it's disappointing.
Wait, Glim, can you show him where he stops answering you in the book?
Oh, yes.
Okay, see, okay.
So I flip back and it's like, you're right.
Look at this, everyone.
Beautiful penmanship.
It really is stunning.
So and you can kind of see, and this probably aligns with yours, I assume.
Like you write in yours and it shows up in mine.
And then he's got a goth looking like following over his shoulder too.
And then see, we get here and then that's it.
Yeah.
You just stop.
Right there.
As a goth is looking over his shoulder, like are these entries dated?
Is there a way to be like, that's a week from now?
That's two days from now?
Because I know last episode there was that battle that we figured out happened
right before the kidnapping-ish.
That was like a couple of days ago.
So is there a time point, pinpointable thing in there?
What kind of things is Bahamut writing in your book, Glim?
You up?
ASL.
New book, who dis?
Have a cool summer.
It's been great getting to know you.
We should stay in touch.
Yeah.
No, more like, I think more like a fortune cookie-esque sort of,
or like horoscope-esque, little small paragraphs that do apply,
but kind of, you know, say you weren't the most devout person, like Glim is.
Right.
Might be a little vague.
It's a little vague.
It could kind of apply to almost anyone.
So one of them in there is like,
a short stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share.
Yes.
And then you met Flamekins.
Exactly.
Or Sally.
If you feel you are right, stand firmly by your convictions.
Exactly.
Things like that, like important, sort of very direct to Glim,
important sentiments from her god.
Well here this one says, serious trouble will bypass you.
I don't think it's talking about the end of the world.
I mean, I can acknowledge at this point in my life
that I have had a very privileged existence and a lot of trouble did bypass me.
Hey, you did say you spent some time in prison.
Well, but I think I've grown in the past, you know,
many years since the end of the world and no one's privileged anymore.
The whole world dead.
Armies of the undead taking over the world.
No magic.
No green trees.
No, just nothing.
Just misery.
I had an eye before this.
Sally used to have an eye.
I had both hands.
I had two.
I still have one.
And that's my fault.
Yeah, it was.
I mean, I don't hold it against you, don't I?
Okay, okay, okay.
So the Canaries will probably be back soon.
Sure they will.
From outside the most devout bar and grill,
you hear just like this whimpering call.
Hey.
Hey, guy.
Hey, everybody.
What?
Can I?
Somebody get me out of this net.
Is that Mademar?
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Oh, no.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, okay.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, I just.
It's my fault.
I got so distracted.
How'd you get down here?
I'm a little caught up in the net.
Yeah, no, I'll go get him.
And I guess we need like a tonic or.
Yeah, don't take him out of the net, though.
Also, mind flayers.
That seems.
A lot of mind.
We probably should have left without.
Oh, yeah.
Legit like in Celestia now.
We were sort of focusing on the forest and not the trees, ironically, this time.
So the trees are that there are mind flayers on Celestia right now.
In fact, in our friend's brain just right now.
I mean, just.
Can you fix his brain?
You can.
Yes, there is.
Yeah.
Bring him over.
Like, mind flayers aren't supposed to be here.
We had an arrangement.
Yeah, they're knocking out whole clans.
I mean, it's.
He might be the last.
Sorry, Madame.
He might be the last one of his kind.
I could be very well be.
I've been asleep for a long time.
It feels like.
Hold on.
He kind of looks him over.
Looks like this one's.
Hold on. Yeah, it's fine.
Look the other way.
Puts his hand up to Madame R.
And it's like, no, everybody else look away.
It's going to be gross.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, I want to see.
OK.
Can I look?
Yeah.
Anybody who chooses to look, he reaches his hand like in front of Madame R's face.
Just just breathe deep and up his nose.
Reaches in and pulls out this long tadpole like it's it's it just keeps coming out.
It's got these little wriggling legs as it's being pulled out and there's this glow that's around it.
Presumably that Bahamut is putting energy in so that it's not like tearing the brain apart as it's being unraveled.
Keeps pulling and pulling and there's this pop.
He holds up the mind flayer tadpole.
Why didn't you start with that?
Well, this is a medal all about how our live show ended up right now.
And I'd like to take a minute just sitting right here talking about how awesome the live show and all of our patrons are.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Yeah, you did it.
It was wonderful.
Thank you.
That was great.
The note was live show rap.
Yeah.
W.R.A.P.
Oh, damn.
I didn't look.
I only heard you say it.
I didn't know.
Wrapping it up.
I thought I had to rap about it.
This is better.
Yeah.
We just had a live show to celebrate reaching 100 patrons last week.
And boy, howdy, was it a blast.
It was so fun.
It was fun.
A lot of awesome patrons were there.
Regular cast member Kyle was there, obviously, because he's a regular cast member.
And Cicero Holmes was there.
It was so funny.
Love playing with Cicero.
Reprising dents, which was just a delight.
Kyle, also a delight.
You guys, also a delight.
Karla, you're a delight.
Everybody's a delight.
It was so fun.
I had a really great time.
And you two can listen to that, but also you as well.
Not just the band, you two.
Bono doesn't have an exclusive rider on it.
You two can listen to it if they become patrons.
If they become patrons.
Yes.
Because we have the full recording up available now for patrons exclusively over
at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
It will make it to the main feed as an edited episode.
But for context, we haven't put out our 90 patron one yet.
So it's going to be a bit before you hear it.
So if you want it, come get it.
If you're going to be there, you may as well get all that other good stuff, too.
Like that whole other podcast, basically.
And book club and a bunch of other cool stuff.
Book club's coming up, too.
As you listen to this, or as it's released, tomorrow is our July book club.
Just read the book real quick.
You'll be fine.
Yeah, if you're a quick reader.
Actually, I almost read this all in one day just because it was like pretty darn
good and I couldn't really put it down.
Pretty smooth read.
Guys, we're recording this two days before book club and I haven't read the
book yet.
So get on it, Carla.
You're fine.
I'll be fine.
I'm not worried.
You can do it.
I've read 10 percent and it's going to be a quick, fun read.
I can tell.
Yeah.
So you could join us, too.
Patreon.com slash tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
I'm dragging cast.
She almost said it.
She was so calm.
And then I was like, are you jumping in because I'm about to say it wrong?
I didn't know.
No, that's.
I bet.
That's cool.
We all know the Patreon, Russ.
Absolutely.
I've never second guessed that fact ever.
I don't know.
I feel like if you put two options in front of me that were very similar
and I had like gun to my head, I might get it wrong.
Yeah.
Because I just overthink it.
But like, yeah, no, this one seems to write.
That's obviously the wrong one.
Yeah.
And then that's why you pick the other one.
Obviously.
Yeah.
Well, come join us over there.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, which I'm only putting one in front of you
so that you can go select the right one.
And we hope to see you over there.
OK, bye.
Bye.
I love you.
Why didn't you start with that?
Yeah.
In retrospect, we should have started with that.
It's like some pretty tangible evidence that would have been.
Oh, yeah.
In our defense, we sort of forgot Madame Hart was here.
But also like.
You forgot I was here.
No, no.
She's just joking.
There's a lot going on.
There is a whole world outside that is going to be.
You're a deep sleeper.
That's true, too.
Yeah.
That's what everybody at home said, too.
Oh, well.
So, yeah.
End of the world.
Well, this isn't a good sign.
Two canaries come back.
Are they holding wings?
They're holding wings.
Yeah.
Well, because they were told they were going buddy.
That's right.
The buddy says the meds haven't failed us yet.
They come back rather quickly, land down on the table and are chirping madly.
Bahamut looks down at them.
Well, these canaries say that there's some wild shit happening at the base of the mountain, too.
What would you put in the water?
Oh, oh, no.
No, we don't know.
We didn't.
OK, I was just kidding.
I was just kidding.
OK.
You know, because you came out the end of the world and so unbelievable.
Like who would come to Celestia?
And then there's this rumble, this earthquake rumble that echoes out through the entire
mountain.
Oh, so if it's like too light to do anything, because you wouldn't believe us,
and make us like jump through so many hoops and stuff, it's your fault?
I mean, I take credit for that.
Just in case we're pointing fingers at some point in history.
No, yeah, no, that's fine.
OK, so you've got plans from the future.
Everybody, everybody.
Yeah, yeah, what?
Hey, yeah.
What up?
Bahamut?
Well, we've got some problems.
Maybe just go hang out by the gates, make sure nobody comes in.
Glemming group here are going to we're going to we're going to strategize and really
just see what's going on down at the base of the mountain.
Everybody gives a holler and drops their drinks and runs out into the streets.
So you came with a game plan.
I mean, you don't get kidnapped.
OK, great.
They want to take you and all the other gods, too.
But we're here to stop them.
So could you not get kidnapped?
Oh, and also imbue us with some magical, like, super awesome shit that's going to make
us like impervious to harm.
Oh, well, I mean, if you have something like that,
in case that's something you can just, you know, kind of dole out for a little
bit, then that would be permanent.
But I mean, we probably do a better job of protecting you, which sounds ridiculous,
because I mean, you think that you can protect yourself, your god.
I mean, it didn't work last time.
Well, let's go take a look at the museum.
See what we got going on over there.
I love how absolutely insane Russ looks.
I know.
Swatting at an invisible fly.
Just grabbing the air.
I'm very method with my bomb right now.
We're sitting at a bar.
There's flies.
There's fruit flies because of all the bar fruit.
It makes perfect sense.
I didn't believe you until I saw the fruit flies.
There's no fruit flies in Celestia.
Yeah.
So about that impoverishedness.
Sure.
Yeah.
He gets up and he's like, yeah, come along, come along.
We'll see what we got.
He walks you next door into the Bahamut Museum.
Did you stop in on your way up?
No, so we did not.
No, we had that problem with the mind flayers on our way up.
Oh.
And also finding you.
I was just up at the top.
And also those things that were in that cave.
That's right.
We did.
Things that were in the cave.
Like those fish people in the contaminated water.
Seems like a lot maybe is going on in Celestia.
And it's pretty busy.
So it's maybe hard for you to keep track of everything.
I'm not picking up on any of it.
I'm attuned to the land.
And nothing is really coming through.
Maybe someone has put in some psychic blocking.
Like emitting.
They're jamming your signal.
Yes.
The only things that I know that could do that at such a scale
would be like a wild group of elder brains or mind flayers.
Wait a second.
There we go.
We did kill a bunch of those mind flayers.
In order to block me out of my own land though,
that would take like several groups of them.
Oh.
So there's more nests.
Yeah.
Okay.
So in the museum here, you'll see to your left,
we have some really cool armor.
I got a feeling like it just, it protects you.
And when you get hit.
And then there's like this helmet.
Holds it up.
Kind of looks like a fit.
Puts it on Moot's head.
Yeah, look.
That looks really cool, right?
That is pretty cool.
The feathering, the jewel.
How long did you train to become a docent?
Well, I hired out for that job.
I had just more of a feeling than anything else.
Because you are killing.
Yeah, you're doing really well.
Thank you.
Well, if you follow me back to the next room here,
we've got spears and slingshots.
Apparently we used to do more with slingshots.
Really difficult against Tiamat's army to throw slingshots,
but we managed.
Well, you're not supposed to throw the slingshot.
You're supposed to throw a rock using the slingshot.
Maybe that's what they did instead.
It was a really long time ago.
And now you, and it wasn't effective.
And you want us to use them now?
You said you wanted God imbued things.
I'm showing you God imbued things.
They are imbued in what way?
Well, I've said this is really cool.
Agatha's gonna pick up one of the spears and like test the weight.
Yeah, no, it's well bAlydinced, see?
Yeah, it's not, it doesn't go to one side.
Even when you put your hand right close to the tip,
it holds its, holds true.
And you put your hand to the other side, holds true.
It's a parallel spear.
Uncanny.
I guess I'll take a slingshot.
Okay, okay, very cool, very cool.
You got the helmet.
I mean, Glen, you seem pretty like doped out there
with all the stuff you've got on, right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty, I'm pretty set, I think.
Is there anything like...
Well, okay, so I realized when you asked if we had a plan,
we didn't really maybe have a great plan except like
get to Bahamut, tell him the world's about to end, save him.
So I feel like we're progressing pretty good along that,
but I feel like maybe we should figure out what our...
As you're saying that, you hear like screams
and like cries of a battle,
but it doesn't sound like it's coming from monsters.
It sounds like it's coming from the people
that he sent running from the bar.
Progressing.
Yeah.
It's not good.
No, no, so things are really maybe starting to happen.
So where can we get you so that, you know,
to add the people can't get you?
Or bar knocks or whoever is, you know,
knock, knock, knockin' at the door can't get you.
We don't want them ringing the bell,
so let's go up to my hut and we can just like
have a little roast and just wait this out.
Like a roast, like Bahamut is so old that,
like that kind of...
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, I was thinking like food,
but if you got some good stuff,
I haven't had a good like grilling in a long time.
We cut up to the fire and Glim is standing
with a microphone in her hand.
I had to do spoken word poetry
and now it's your turn, Carla.
All right, just lay into me.
I can take it.
Oh, no.
You just end up being really mean.
So Bahamut is like the best god
and everyone thinks he's so all-powerful,
but then he totally gets kidnapped
and the world almost ends,
so like how great is he anyway?
Oh, he almost gets kidnapped.
Yeah, true.
It's funny because it's true.
Yeah.
It is true.
It's not that funny.
We should maybe...
Oh, yeah, no.
They've got it handled down there.
You look over.
Well, they're all skewered on those...
What do we call them?
The scorpion-like ones with the long trident tails
and the eyes that have fallen out of them?
What the fuck?
Have we ever seen those before?
I mean, I did a few times
because they came from the darkest timeline.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, we definitely fought those guys, remember?
And then...
I mean, we lost like 10 people.
They're really bad.
They're really...
Ew.
They're big.
And do you remember the smell?
Like it's sort of like...
Like burning hair.
Yes, like burning hair.
But fishy.
Yes, yeah, an odd pescatarian aroma.
And what the poison does to the victims, ugh.
Melts in the...
They're always covered in the goo of people
they stabbed with the stupid tail.
Yeah.
Folly of horrific screaming coming from the background.
It's all being described.
So you're cool to just let them do that?
They got handled, Bahamut?
Oh, it's sounding less and less...
Like usually what would happen in this sort of situation
is that like, you know, hero slash adventurers
slash world savers.
Slash gods.
Like that would like help or do something,
but really you need to be our focus, so...
Okay.
Do you have like a super secret hideout
that like literally no one knows about?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
It can't be that hammock over there.
Because we all know about it.
Yeah.
Oh.
No.
The no is the answer.
I brought you up here
because I thought we were going to roast some weenies.
We ended up with a good...
Well, I think that did happen too, sir.
That was like 25 minutes of just straight, continuous,
like just solid, solid material, Glim.
Mm-hmm.
So thank you.
Agatha, you too.
That was...
That one about me having a bad haircut was really...
Oh.
Hit me deep.
It was unexpected and very funny, Agatha.
I expect more from the pantheon and fashion.
Hey, how do we know this guy's even Bahama?
Has he done anything miraculous?
Turn into a dragon.
Okay.
I can do that.
No, don't.
Guys, listen.
Okay.
I won't.
I don't...
At this point, it's like,
all these guys are dying down here.
I can totally see how this guy got captured
because he literally just sat and waited for it.
No offense.
Wait, are we still roasting?
Offense.
Good one.
Good one, Sully.
Do we...
We're up on top of a hill.
Are you suggesting we kidnap Bahama
instead of letting the bad guys kidnap him?
Yeah, let's fucking get him out of here.
Yeah, I agree.
Can we go?
Hey, can you portal us out of here, please,
as well as yourself?
Oh, I...
You did it when you were on your deathbed.
That's true.
I mean, that is true.
That sounds like a new addition.
If you came from the future, maybe I learned that
in the ways of...
While you were kidnapped,
you're about to get kidnapped.
It sounds like maybe there was a gem
that was involved in that equation.
Can gods get knocked out?
Can we just knock him out,
put him in a sack,
and then just, like,
I don't know.
We've got that Nat Madama was in.
Okay, so we got to get out of here.
Yes.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I know what my voice sounds like.
Okay.
He goes and stands out over the scene,
which he hadn't really gone and looked at.
Everybody else did,
and he sees, like, this roiling blackness
coming up the hill,
all these pAlydins and clerics,
like, disappearing into it,
screaming as they're being brought down into it.
You see now coming up from inside of it
golden and silver dragons coming up
and being attacked by all these vrocks
and hideous, like, bat-like creatures
that are just, like, tearing them apart
and pulling them back down.
Um...
Dots?
I think we waited too long.
Oh, my God.
MUSIC
Dumbgeons and Dragons, Season 2, Episode 129,
starring Amy More as Sully,
Carla Maxdead as Glim,
Tom Laird as Moot,
with Kristen Flemmons as Agath,
and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Production and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound,
Artlist, and Kavin MacLeod,
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers.
Help us reach our next goal of 115 patrons
where we'll release in-character positive affirmations
directly to our patrons, as well as on our TikTok.
Yeah, we're on TikTok, too.
Join us today at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast
and find us on Facebook and Twitter and TikTok.
Link is in the description.
Thank you for listening.
Have a great week.
We'll talk again soon.
Um...
Wait for it.
I know. I'm trying to, uh...
Oh, that's Mastika. Back further.
Yeah, I'm also in Mastika.
Uh-oh.
Guys, it was in my other notebook, so I got nothing.
Shit.
Uh, well, it says...
Cut back in here.
I love that I've just ruined this for us.
No, I'm pretty sure, because that was...
After that...
After the Half-Man Zookas party.
Uh, Super Baby's Soul Bridge Gym.
This is like reading through my notes.
I know.
Uh...
Wake Up Underwater Vessel.
That was before that.
It was before that Kraken stuff, right?
Yeah.
Flint Dreams Sequence Sewer Ducks.
Mm-hmm.
There's a new patron level.
You just want to hear Russ try to read through his notes from previous episodes?
Uh, this is where we were planning the big babies.
I don't think...
We are the babies.
It's just a game.
Chris, it looks really confused.
We're the super babies. We're the big babies.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, right.
Out of context, seems like we just have a weird side quest
and some fascination with babies.
Oh, here we go.
Opal Light and the King in Maztica.
Well, that page just has the title with the death at the top.
That's odd.
Yeah, that's odd.
Hmm.
Rose Boy.
I don't think this ever happened.
Listeners...
I know, right?
If you know what that book said...
Anyways...
It's too late now, but just let us know.
We can go with the...
We can edit back in with whatever...
You should see how many different ways I've spelled Maztica in my notes.
It's pretty amazing.
M-A-Z-T-I-C-A or T-I-K-A.
There she is.
It's all good. It's too long.
Whoa, I mean, it did a few times.
Because they came from the darkest timeline.
You've got 10 years of history.
We can fill in in the next 20 minutes.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were harkening back to something we fought with the mind fliers.
I know, me too.
I don't recall. I didn't know you were just making up shit. That's okay.
This is an entire episode that I'm just making up shit.
I'm no-budding this entire episode.
Sometimes we don't know if we're supposed to remember a thing or make up a thing.
That's right.
We're totally happy to make up a thing.
Yes, I just didn't know that's what we were doing.
Dumbgeons & Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.